I wonder

I sit here and think many days about many things now that mom is gone and I wonder if you believe in God and in Heaven as my mother did, do you go to heaven, do you get to be reunited with the people you lost before you. I have to ask because for me I don't know what I believe for those who do believe , do they get what they believed in and do they go to the god they prayed to?
These are all things I am wondering about, is my mother with Brad and my Uncle Ron, and my grandparents, does she get to see her best friend again?
I am not sure what I believe and I definitely do not believe in religion but I do believe in a higher power whether that is god or whatever or whoever?
I just honestly hope that Mom is sitting up and watching over me and got to be with Bradley again and is having tea and fishing with my grandfather and talking with Uncle Ron and seeing all of our old neighbors and discussing how great their kids are here on earth. I hope this is the way it is and what she is doing.
My mom as many mothers were taken far too soon and now I just mourn her death and know that she is not in pain but have a hard time believing that she is happy, I can only hope she is. Hope is a whole other thing in that respect as I had hoped for years that my mother would never get sick and suffer the way she did. I had always thought she would be here and we could talk in the phone.
In the end I am just left wondering and will never know. Miss you Mom and love you lots.

Hubby Gone Again

Well I know it has been forever but I honestly have had the worst year I could ever imagine and I will tell you a bit about that so you can fully understand what I am doing and going through in my fabulous little life.
But first things first , Matt was gone all summer from July 2nd until September 21 and then was home until October 26th and had to leave unexpectedly again. As some of you may know Matts mom was diagnosed with Cancer in early July and he had to spend most of the summer there with his folks and deal with stuff out in Vancouver. It has been a hard year for both of us but extremely hard being apart. As of last Sunday his mom was put into Hospice and is not going to be getting out and they have told us it is now just a matter of time whether that be a week or a month from now we do not know so he flew back out to Vancouver to be with her and has been spending every night at hospice with her.
I have nothing but the utmost respect for Matts mom and love her dearly, I am having an extremely hard time with this as well and it has only been 5 months to date since mom passed away from almost the same cancers. It is also extremely hard for both of us as our fathers are both not well too. My father is on dialysis three days a week and Matts dad has been recently diagnosed with Alzeimers.
I can not imagine losing Mom Allsopp this year as well but now it is become a reality and is just going to happen. I am still grieving my mom every day and do not think the pain will ever go away and am not sure I want it to, It reminds me every day how fabulous a mother I had and how much I miss her.
I will be flying out to Vancouver as well here in the next couple weeks and be there for Matt, not sure what kind of support I will be but I will try and I will be there for him and stand by him. His mother , like my mother is the world to Matt and I never thought that in the same year we would both lose our moms.

Other things that have happened this summer to us is we lost my brother inlaw Lorne who passed away in September, I feel bad for Cheryl but am still not ready to reconnect with her totally. I can not imagine losing my spouse.
A few more changes in our lives this year, our former best friends Ken and Barbie and Skunkhead, (obviously not their real names) are no longer our friends and they can't even handle to say hi. Matt and I were both fooled by their phoniness and extreme childish behavior. Oh well I am so glad they are no longer a part of our lives. I am so glad that those jealous people.
I honestly thought I would miss them after supposedly being their best friends for the last two years but I do not.

I have been keeping myself busy in the house and doing the final little things around here to complete our renovations but yet everyday I seem to add a new project to the list and keep doing them and then add another. I have given all the floors another  coat of varnish,  redid some of the kitchen and added a pantry , touched up all the paint in the house and finally finished the stairs. I also redid two pieces of furniture for the house and built  patio table and bench.

Now the new projects for this month are to  wallpaper the bathroom, paint the ceiling in the powder room silver, give the stairs another coat of varnish. I am also building some built in shelves for the sides of the fireplace I built last year.
I have also started my own design business and have to give a quote for a job here soon, I also refinish antique furniture and am currently working on three large pieces for a neighbor and good friend. Anyhow I will keep you all up to date with Matts mom and what is happening. Thanks for reading and I will try to be back sooner than I have been in the past.

Hubby away

Well Matt left for his trip to Vancouver on July 2nd and has extended it to stay longer for personal reasons so I miss him lots but am so glad he is where he needs to be. I have been getting a lot accomplished since he has been gone. I have revarnished the floors on the main level,  Reconfigured
the kitchen layout and repainted the master bedroom and started to repaint the bathroom as well.
Been working my ass off and trying to stay busy with Matt gone and trying to stay extra busy to keep my mind off everything.
I have also stained the stairs and repainted the back of the stairs as well and making our house look amazing again as it already does. I love our little house and everything about it. I think I will always be doing something here because it is my nature and I like to keep busy.
Seven weeks today since Mom is gone and I hate it more everyday. I miss her so much and am so sad. I just still can't believe she is gone. It feels so weird not to be able to call her or talk to her when I need to and want to. Everything I do, I wish I could tell her and send her pictures, but most of all I wish I could go and spend more time with her.
I still have not spoken to any of my family except for Dad who I have become very close to and am enjoying our new relationship. We talk on the phone at least 2 times a week now and I do so enjoy our conversations and everything.
I can not believe yet that my sister an brother would not even take a day off when they found out their Mom passed away. It just makes me sick and then to think that they could not even help me with the arrangements for mom, or with cleaning up the house and doing everything. They are disgusting in everyway and I guess I always knew that.
I don't think I will ever speak to them again and I am okay with that now. I have family and am glad for the family that I have. Anyhow I don't really have a lot to say, I am sad and just need a day of alone time.
Please take care and thanks for reading, I promise to be back and write sooner than I have been.

Feeling Lucky

I am feeling lucky for many reasons today, and also very sad in many other ways. I feel very happy and lucky to have a great husband, who puts up with me, stands by me and supports me and has been more than fantastic this last month. I also have great friends and a few distant relatives who make life easier and just care so much, It is nice to feel loved and needed by people. My inlaws are also about the most amazing family anyone could ever ask for. Plus I have our dogs and cats who just know when you need a little extra love.
But the biggest reason I feel lucky today is memories of my mother and the great time we had together always, but my fondest memories are from the last two visits and how I got to be with her. For anyone that knows me, and knew Mom, you could see where I get my attitude, my personality and my views on life. I got it all from her and am so glad that I did.
My time out with Mom and Dad in November was amazing and I flew out for Moms birthday and took them out for Chinese food, everytime we talked on the phone after that, Mom always brought it up, that it was her best birthday and her favorite meal ever. I am just so glad that I went to see her and spent that time with her, we went shopping that week, got to go to thrift stores and her and I both loved that, just to find that little treasure and take it home for a buck or two. Helping her to get her house reading for Christmas and just the smile on her face whenever I walked through that door to see her, Makes me happy and sad all at once, knowing I will not see her smile again or hear her voice.
My second visit this year was the end of May and I am so glad I did it and know now that the universe was on my side for when I went and everything that happened while I was there. When I phoned Mom on Mothers day this year I apologized for not sending anything but told her that I was going to send something out the end of May, and I did, I sent me out to be with her and Dad. I was so happy to be there and the look on her face when I walked in and she saw me was just priceless, but Mom did not look like Mom then, she was so tiny and grey but she still had that great smile and her face just lit up as soon as I walked through the door. Those are the memories I try to hold onto and am so glad I have them because I will have something many people will never have and that is I got to be there and say good bye. I never wanted to say good bye to her and thought that I would have more time. But I am so thankful for the time we had all the things we did together throughout our lives. She was the best mother to me and I will never stop missing her and will also always love her with all my heart. It feels like I am missing a piece of my heart everyday now that she is gone and I know this does not change and went through this before with Bradley. It never does get easier, just different.
I also got so much closer to Dad over the last month , it has been amazing and am so happy for that, he has come along way and is an amazing man, was not always there for me , but somehow we are there for each other now. Dad said he loved me for the first time in ten years before I left Alberta to come back here three weeks ago and I must say those were the most amazing words I have ever heard from him in so long. I love my father and yes we have had our hurdles, challenges and disputes over the years but we have also managed to now put all that behind us and go on with a new start as Mom would have wanted.
Thank you for your support and love , not just now but always. love to all of you.

World Pride is among us

Well World Pride kicked off last Friday and Matt and I went to city hall for the Flag Raising and to watch performances. It was fun, but hell waiting and waiting was excrutiating on my back standing there. You know you are getting old when your back stiffens up from standing on hard pavement for over 4 hours and you are unwilling to pay 10 bucks for a beer!
We did get to see some great performers though. There were a couple different gentlemen singers and then one of my favorites Deborah Cox, love her and then we saw Melissa Ethridge. Our first free concert of Pride this year so far. Love all these free shows and events.
Trying to get out and have a little fun and relax as I know this is one thing Mom would have wanted for me to do.
Tomorrow night we are going to a white party, yes everyone is suppose to wear white, need to find Matt something to wear and hopefully the weather will change and the rain will let up for a day as you never want to get caught in a rain storm in white. Though that could be fun and give me a bit of attention, LOL.
We will probably meet up with Nancy and Wayne at some point this weekend and go out and walk Church Street to see what they have to offer this year and what is new and going on. Also was asked to walk with Olivia Chow in the parade, will have to see how we feel and how hot it is going to be for the weekend! You never know.
Right after Pride Matt leaves for Vancouver for two weeks and goes to see his folks and is going to a friend of ours wedding, glad he is going to see Mom and Dad in Vancouver. They are very important to me and to us.
This also means we will not be together for our anniversary which is alright I guess, as we will have many more to celebrate and be with each other and maybe a couple weeks alone is just what I need right now.
Anyways back to the couch and my relaxing day of watching Wimbledon Tennis. Have a great week and a wonderful  day. Thanks for reading and please take care.

Miss Mom

Everyday is so different and I miss Mom so much more everyday, every minute and every waking second, even when I am sleeping I am dreaming I am talking to her ad sharing things about my life and what is going on. It seems to get harder everyday and  not easier as I thought it might. I wonder every minute way she is gone and why it happened so quickly, there will always be things I wish I could have said, time I wish I could have spent with her and phone calls I should have made. I just plain miss her and wish she was here for just a bit longer so I could have more time.
Last night was really hard as we found out Mom's best friend of the last two years Kelly Passed away suddenly in her sleep, she was a beautiful woman and one who I had met on several occasions and helped with the process of losing Mom, which was amazing and she was so sweet and caring. I can not believe she is gone and will not be here.
I now miss her too, and am just having a really bad day and missing life and everything which use to be in it. I hate the fact that we have to suffer loss and I really hate it when people say it was gods will or plan, Fuck off! I am not dealing with gods plan or gods will and do not believe for a minute that my mother was near old enough, she was 68, Kelly was in her early 50's, gods will my ass. If there is and was a god he would not want people to even get cancer and suffer as \Mom did.
Anyways not much else to say today , except I miss Mom, and wish she was still here, so much I want to tell her right now.
Mourning!

My Mother

My mother , the most amazing woman I have ever had the pleasure to know passed away from complications with her battle with Cancer on June 1st, 2014.
Since this day I have felt a loss and a total emptiness that no one can ever replace and there is a hole in my life that will never be filled. I miss her so much and go to pick up the phone everyday to see how she is, or chat or tell her something good or what is going on in my life.
To me she was my best friend, we use to go shopping together, I told her everything about my life and what was going on and always talked to her as much as possible.
I found out that her cancer had returned with aggression on March 15th and was so worried but still never expected to lose her this quickly. I was lucky as I flew out to Alberta to surprise her on May 27th and got to spend an amazing 5 days with her and dad. If you could have seen her face when I walked through the door that night, it was priceless and a vision I will hold in my memories for the rest of my life. I also got to be there when she passed away and to be with dad for support and love. These are the best things I have done, just to have her know that I loved her and I truly did.
For those of you who knew Mom, you knew she was feisty and spoke her mind, I am so thankful to have gotten those qualities from her. She was always about her family and that meant more to her than any material item ever could. She loved people and animals equally and those were her favorite and most cherished things in life. Unfortunately her family was not under the same thought. my brother and sisters were not there the last two years and for this I will never forgive them. Ever since Brads death they have not spoken to my Mother or Father or me! they will have to live with that for the rest of their lives.
The saddest thing about all of this is, the Saturday night before Mom passed I had convinced her to phone James and Cheryl and Charlene and let them know that she was ill with cancer again, we never got the chance to phone them.
When I did phone them on the Sunday to let them know Mom had passed away, it suddenly became about them and how Mom had not spoke to them for two years, last I checked they all had phones, but the worst thing was Cheryl and James would not even take time off work to come see dad, or to help with any arrangements or anything. I can not believe I am even related to these people some days.
My greatest support was my Aunt Vera and moms dear friend Kelly. I had so much to do, which included dealing with the coroner that day and then making all arrangements for moms cremation, writing and paying for obituary, packing up the entire house and helping to put everything in storage and also helping to get dad settled with my nephew Kory, who was helpful in moving stuff out of the house, and has been looking after Dad since Moms passing and getting him back and forth to Dialysis 3 days a week.
Mom was a truly loving person and a fabulous mother, always supportive of me and helpful in every way she could. Giving me advice at all points in my life and just calling to say hi. I miss all these things and wish I could get just one more day to tell her how much she meant and do more for her.
Life will go on for me, though I am not sure how somedays, nothing has hit me yet and I am still feeling very numb and just miss her every minute.
She was beautiful and a great lady, and her life was far too short here. She will be missed a great deal and will now be with her son Bradley, her little brother Ron and her parents. I love you Mom and miss you always. Life will never be the same, and will never get better but it will be good and different. Know always you were the most influential person in my life and that I love you so much and always will.