Hubby away

Well Matt left for his trip to Vancouver on July 2nd and has extended it to stay longer for personal reasons so I miss him lots but am so glad he is where he needs to be. I have been getting a lot accomplished since he has been gone. I have revarnished the floors on the main level,  Reconfigured
the kitchen layout and repainted the master bedroom and started to repaint the bathroom as well.
Been working my ass off and trying to stay busy with Matt gone and trying to stay extra busy to keep my mind off everything.
I have also stained the stairs and repainted the back of the stairs as well and making our house look amazing again as it already does. I love our little house and everything about it. I think I will always be doing something here because it is my nature and I like to keep busy.
Seven weeks today since Mom is gone and I hate it more everyday. I miss her so much and am so sad. I just still can't believe she is gone. It feels so weird not to be able to call her or talk to her when I need to and want to. Everything I do, I wish I could tell her and send her pictures, but most of all I wish I could go and spend more time with her.
I still have not spoken to any of my family except for Dad who I have become very close to and am enjoying our new relationship. We talk on the phone at least 2 times a week now and I do so enjoy our conversations and everything.
I can not believe yet that my sister an brother would not even take a day off when they found out their Mom passed away. It just makes me sick and then to think that they could not even help me with the arrangements for mom, or with cleaning up the house and doing everything. They are disgusting in everyway and I guess I always knew that.
I don't think I will ever speak to them again and I am okay with that now. I have family and am glad for the family that I have. Anyhow I don't really have a lot to say, I am sad and just need a day of alone time.
Please take care and thanks for reading, I promise to be back and write sooner than I have been.

Feeling Lucky

I am feeling lucky for many reasons today, and also very sad in many other ways. I feel very happy and lucky to have a great husband, who puts up with me, stands by me and supports me and has been more than fantastic this last month. I also have great friends and a few distant relatives who make life easier and just care so much, It is nice to feel loved and needed by people. My inlaws are also about the most amazing family anyone could ever ask for. Plus I have our dogs and cats who just know when you need a little extra love.
But the biggest reason I feel lucky today is memories of my mother and the great time we had together always, but my fondest memories are from the last two visits and how I got to be with her. For anyone that knows me, and knew Mom, you could see where I get my attitude, my personality and my views on life. I got it all from her and am so glad that I did.
My time out with Mom and Dad in November was amazing and I flew out for Moms birthday and took them out for Chinese food, everytime we talked on the phone after that, Mom always brought it up, that it was her best birthday and her favorite meal ever. I am just so glad that I went to see her and spent that time with her, we went shopping that week, got to go to thrift stores and her and I both loved that, just to find that little treasure and take it home for a buck or two. Helping her to get her house reading for Christmas and just the smile on her face whenever I walked through that door to see her, Makes me happy and sad all at once, knowing I will not see her smile again or hear her voice.
My second visit this year was the end of May and I am so glad I did it and know now that the universe was on my side for when I went and everything that happened while I was there. When I phoned Mom on Mothers day this year I apologized for not sending anything but told her that I was going to send something out the end of May, and I did, I sent me out to be with her and Dad. I was so happy to be there and the look on her face when I walked in and she saw me was just priceless, but Mom did not look like Mom then, she was so tiny and grey but she still had that great smile and her face just lit up as soon as I walked through the door. Those are the memories I try to hold onto and am so glad I have them because I will have something many people will never have and that is I got to be there and say good bye. I never wanted to say good bye to her and thought that I would have more time. But I am so thankful for the time we had all the things we did together throughout our lives. She was the best mother to me and I will never stop missing her and will also always love her with all my heart. It feels like I am missing a piece of my heart everyday now that she is gone and I know this does not change and went through this before with Bradley. It never does get easier, just different.
I also got so much closer to Dad over the last month , it has been amazing and am so happy for that, he has come along way and is an amazing man, was not always there for me , but somehow we are there for each other now. Dad said he loved me for the first time in ten years before I left Alberta to come back here three weeks ago and I must say those were the most amazing words I have ever heard from him in so long. I love my father and yes we have had our hurdles, challenges and disputes over the years but we have also managed to now put all that behind us and go on with a new start as Mom would have wanted.
Thank you for your support and love , not just now but always. love to all of you.

World Pride is among us

Well World Pride kicked off last Friday and Matt and I went to city hall for the Flag Raising and to watch performances. It was fun, but hell waiting and waiting was excrutiating on my back standing there. You know you are getting old when your back stiffens up from standing on hard pavement for over 4 hours and you are unwilling to pay 10 bucks for a beer!
We did get to see some great performers though. There were a couple different gentlemen singers and then one of my favorites Deborah Cox, love her and then we saw Melissa Ethridge. Our first free concert of Pride this year so far. Love all these free shows and events.
Trying to get out and have a little fun and relax as I know this is one thing Mom would have wanted for me to do.
Tomorrow night we are going to a white party, yes everyone is suppose to wear white, need to find Matt something to wear and hopefully the weather will change and the rain will let up for a day as you never want to get caught in a rain storm in white. Though that could be fun and give me a bit of attention, LOL.
We will probably meet up with Nancy and Wayne at some point this weekend and go out and walk Church Street to see what they have to offer this year and what is new and going on. Also was asked to walk with Olivia Chow in the parade, will have to see how we feel and how hot it is going to be for the weekend! You never know.
Right after Pride Matt leaves for Vancouver for two weeks and goes to see his folks and is going to a friend of ours wedding, glad he is going to see Mom and Dad in Vancouver. They are very important to me and to us.
This also means we will not be together for our anniversary which is alright I guess, as we will have many more to celebrate and be with each other and maybe a couple weeks alone is just what I need right now.
Anyways back to the couch and my relaxing day of watching Wimbledon Tennis. Have a great week and a wonderful  day. Thanks for reading and please take care.

Miss Mom

Everyday is so different and I miss Mom so much more everyday, every minute and every waking second, even when I am sleeping I am dreaming I am talking to her ad sharing things about my life and what is going on. It seems to get harder everyday and  not easier as I thought it might. I wonder every minute way she is gone and why it happened so quickly, there will always be things I wish I could have said, time I wish I could have spent with her and phone calls I should have made. I just plain miss her and wish she was here for just a bit longer so I could have more time.
Last night was really hard as we found out Mom's best friend of the last two years Kelly Passed away suddenly in her sleep, she was a beautiful woman and one who I had met on several occasions and helped with the process of losing Mom, which was amazing and she was so sweet and caring. I can not believe she is gone and will not be here.
I now miss her too, and am just having a really bad day and missing life and everything which use to be in it. I hate the fact that we have to suffer loss and I really hate it when people say it was gods will or plan, Fuck off! I am not dealing with gods plan or gods will and do not believe for a minute that my mother was near old enough, she was 68, Kelly was in her early 50's, gods will my ass. If there is and was a god he would not want people to even get cancer and suffer as \Mom did.
Anyways not much else to say today , except I miss Mom, and wish she was still here, so much I want to tell her right now.
Mourning!

My Mother

My mother , the most amazing woman I have ever had the pleasure to know passed away from complications with her battle with Cancer on June 1st, 2014.
Since this day I have felt a loss and a total emptiness that no one can ever replace and there is a hole in my life that will never be filled. I miss her so much and go to pick up the phone everyday to see how she is, or chat or tell her something good or what is going on in my life.
To me she was my best friend, we use to go shopping together, I told her everything about my life and what was going on and always talked to her as much as possible.
I found out that her cancer had returned with aggression on March 15th and was so worried but still never expected to lose her this quickly. I was lucky as I flew out to Alberta to surprise her on May 27th and got to spend an amazing 5 days with her and dad. If you could have seen her face when I walked through the door that night, it was priceless and a vision I will hold in my memories for the rest of my life. I also got to be there when she passed away and to be with dad for support and love. These are the best things I have done, just to have her know that I loved her and I truly did.
For those of you who knew Mom, you knew she was feisty and spoke her mind, I am so thankful to have gotten those qualities from her. She was always about her family and that meant more to her than any material item ever could. She loved people and animals equally and those were her favorite and most cherished things in life. Unfortunately her family was not under the same thought. my brother and sisters were not there the last two years and for this I will never forgive them. Ever since Brads death they have not spoken to my Mother or Father or me! they will have to live with that for the rest of their lives.
The saddest thing about all of this is, the Saturday night before Mom passed I had convinced her to phone James and Cheryl and Charlene and let them know that she was ill with cancer again, we never got the chance to phone them.
When I did phone them on the Sunday to let them know Mom had passed away, it suddenly became about them and how Mom had not spoke to them for two years, last I checked they all had phones, but the worst thing was Cheryl and James would not even take time off work to come see dad, or to help with any arrangements or anything. I can not believe I am even related to these people some days.
My greatest support was my Aunt Vera and moms dear friend Kelly. I had so much to do, which included dealing with the coroner that day and then making all arrangements for moms cremation, writing and paying for obituary, packing up the entire house and helping to put everything in storage and also helping to get dad settled with my nephew Kory, who was helpful in moving stuff out of the house, and has been looking after Dad since Moms passing and getting him back and forth to Dialysis 3 days a week.
Mom was a truly loving person and a fabulous mother, always supportive of me and helpful in every way she could. Giving me advice at all points in my life and just calling to say hi. I miss all these things and wish I could get just one more day to tell her how much she meant and do more for her.
Life will go on for me, though I am not sure how somedays, nothing has hit me yet and I am still feeling very numb and just miss her every minute.
She was beautiful and a great lady, and her life was far too short here. She will be missed a great deal and will now be with her son Bradley, her little brother Ron and her parents. I love you Mom and miss you always. Life will never be the same, and will never get better but it will be good and different. Know always you were the most influential person in my life and that I love you so much and always will.

 

May Long Weekend

Well it has been a while since I have written anything again and have not been as disciplined with this blog as I use to be. We have just been so crazy busy over the last couple years and there is so much going on in our lives and time just seems to get away.
For this week we have been putting up our new fence and getting that into place, It is so nice to have privacy and not be looking at the pile of garbage which has been in the neighbors yard for the last two years since we bought the house, also all the old pieces of tree laying around his back yard are just an eyesore. Hoping to get the last few posts in today and then build the gates and get them up as well.
Sunday we are having a BBQ and we have over 20 people coming for dinner, should be a great time and really busy, love having our little parties and making lots of yummy food for all our friends and family, by family I do mean Matts relatives that are here in Ontario and our friends who have become family.
I wish Matts parents were closer and also wish my Mom and Dad were closer so they could come and see us and we could help them more. It is so hard as your parents get older and especially if you are a fair distance from them and their lives are not as healthy as they use to be. Hate the constant stress of worrying about the four of them.
Anyhow, back to the few things we have been doing as of the last month, as I said we are putting up a new fence and then doing some curtains around the deck and getting the whole privacy thing into action, hate it when I just want to sit alone and have a coffee and a cigarette and all the neighbors can se me. Sometimes you just want to close off the world and not have to be nice to anyone at all.
You all know what I mean and am sure most of you feel the same way some days.
World Pride is coming the end of June and I am looking so forward to it and to just having fun for a week and not worrying about fuck all or anyone. It should be huge and a great time for all and will be one of the largest Prides Toronto has ever seen. Looking forward to all the people , the crowds and all the fun we are going to have this year.
Soon after Pride we have our third wedding anniversary, yes we have been married for three years this July and together for over five, been a great ride with a few ups and downs, just like everyone else I am sure.
Today we are back to work this afternoon to finish the fence and then tomorrow clean the house and get some food prepped for Sunday. Hope you all have a great long weekend and get to spend it with someone who makes you smile. Peace out and thanks for reading.

Catching Up

Well here goes again, trying to catch you all up on our lives here in Toronto. I have been very bad with writing lately and really need to get back into this because it is very therapeutic for me and for our lives.
So here goes on what has been going on with us for the last couple months here in Toronto. We went back to Cuba at the end of March and had another holiday, get away and escape from reality, we met our friends Michel and Richard down there again and had a great time, so much fun. We went back to Havana and got to see our favorite staff and also met some new people from here in Toronto. It was just the stress relieve I needed and also Matt needed as we have had stresses in our lives which I am going to keep private for now.
The house is done and looking great and since we got back we have regarded the entire back yard, sectioned off the garden and created a new paver patio off our back deck. We have also dead headed all the plants from last winter which was just too long and had not too much for warm weather here as of yet., the flower beds have all been weeded, raked and cleaned for spring.
Also in the last couple months we got new living room furniture in a really nice white color, given to us from a friend. Much appreciated and it looks great. Also got a new antique dining room table which is gorgeous and I just have to do a bit of refinishing work on it. Next big thing that we have to do is put up our fence and create some privacy for us and that way we can sit in the back yard without having to be disturbed if we please. A bit of private time is always nice when you live in a city where houses are so close to each other.
Started many seeds already such as Tomato and certain flowers and herbs so we will have a few things to enjoy by early summer. I am so excited for gardening season to be among us again. I love getting it done and working out there as I find it so relaxing and fabulous and very rewarding.
Been very stressed about my parents and them being so far out of town and with the long winter and harsh weather Alberta had this year , it is even more troublesome to me and I am sure to them as well.
With Dad having to go into town three days a week for dialysis and Mom having to try and drive him, it is stressful as I worry about them a lot and am not there to help them as much as I would like to be. It is always hard when your parents get older and they need you more. We are going through this with both Matt and my parents at this time.
Last weekend we went to a funeral for a friends brother, I know what it is like to lose a brother who you loved so much and was happy that we could be there to support her as many of my friends were there when we lost Bradley, can't believe it has been almost two years. Still miss him every day of my life.
I knew getting older was never going to be easy and I knew that I would experience loss in my life but was not and am not prepared fro any more at this time or in the near future. I really hate death and am thankful for a supportive husband and great friends, and a loving Mom and Dad. Too bad about the rest of my family and how big of losers they all are, yes I am talking siblings ad inlaws and nephews and nieces. No worries I have a better family now and it is people who have chosen to have me in their lives as well as me having them in ours. You know who you are.
So in closing I will really try and get on here more and do my due diligence in keeping this up, not just for you but for me as well. Take care and may spring bring joy and happiness to all my friends.