It seems like yesterday and the memories are still so fresh and beautiful. It was a year ago today that I went out to visit Mom and Dad and surprise Mom for her birthday. She was so happy and glad to see me and we had such a great week. We went shopping and we got her picture taken with Santa and her, dad and I went to Sandys Restaurant for Chinese Food Buffet. The smile on moms face was priceless and the way she ate that night was amazing. I never would have thought that 6 months after I left that day she would be gone.
I will always remember going shopping with her and the both of us trying every tape measure in Canadian Tire trying to find the perfect one for Matt for Christmas, Then going to different thrift stores and just looking at different things and seeing what treasures we could find. It was always our thing to go to thrift stores together and check out every thing in the store, from Christmas angels to glasses that neither of us really needed but always wanted to have.
Today I sit here and I cry all day alone realizing all I want to do is call her and talk to her and be with her and just comfort her. I miss my mom so much that it just hurts.
It was March 15th when Mom was diagnosed with Cancer again and by the time I got there May 27th to see her, she was so weak and had lost so much weight and was basically just laying on the couch. Even though that was my final week with her, it was still one of the best weeks of my life because I got to spend it with her. I miss her everyday and wish she had more time and was still here. I will never forget finding her that morning and never forget the week that followed, but for now I will always remember that last great time we had together on her birthday last year. To my Mom I wish you a happy birthday on November 29th. She would have been 69 this year, so young and so fabulous, I had the best Mom and I loved her more than anything and anyone in the world. You are a wonderful lady and please know I will miss you and cherish every moment we had together for the rest of my life.
Tuesday, November 25, 2014
Friday, November 21, 2014
Our Mothers
On June 1st of this year I lost my Mom to Cancer, It was one of the hardest and worse things I have ever gone through and I realized at that moment the most important person in the world to me was gone and I could no longer just call on her and talk to her everyday. On November 6th my husband Matt lost his wonderful Mom to Cancer and I was there with him and his dad and cousin Gilly on the day she passed away. It again was a horrible and sad day for the both of us and on this day Matt and I learned we now have to count on each other even more than before.
Our mothers were very similar, both very strong and wonderful supportive women, who loved and gave their everything until the end, both married and stayed with the man they loved for a very long time, my parents just past 52 years married and Matts just shy of 55 years married.
Both of our Moms were the most important people in our lives. They were both nurturing and loving to the end and stood by us. My husband and I both suffer the same pain as many of my friends do, losing your mother I think is the worst and hardest thing ever.
Matts Mom was a very strong and extremely intelligent and beautiful woman, she loved Matt until the end, and he loved her, spending his nights with her in Hospice, only leaving to go home and have a quick shower. He stood by her until the end and spent every waking moment to be with his Mom the last few months. Matt definitely got his Moms strength and integrity.
Our mothers both believed in god and prayed and loved us until the end. They were both proud of their gay sons and supported us in every way possible. Matt and I sit here now and discuss how similar our parents are in many ways. Our Mothers and our fathers. Now we both look after an ailing father and deal with our grieve for our wonderful moms. To Vera Megan Allsopp, thank you for bringing up a wonderful young man for me to marry and love. I could not have asked for a better mother in law, and to Mom I am so proud to have had you as my mother, I miss you both every day and love both of you. Now you can both finally meet.
Our mothers were very similar, both very strong and wonderful supportive women, who loved and gave their everything until the end, both married and stayed with the man they loved for a very long time, my parents just past 52 years married and Matts just shy of 55 years married.
Both of our Moms were the most important people in our lives. They were both nurturing and loving to the end and stood by us. My husband and I both suffer the same pain as many of my friends do, losing your mother I think is the worst and hardest thing ever.
Matts Mom was a very strong and extremely intelligent and beautiful woman, she loved Matt until the end, and he loved her, spending his nights with her in Hospice, only leaving to go home and have a quick shower. He stood by her until the end and spent every waking moment to be with his Mom the last few months. Matt definitely got his Moms strength and integrity.
Our mothers both believed in god and prayed and loved us until the end. They were both proud of their gay sons and supported us in every way possible. Matt and I sit here now and discuss how similar our parents are in many ways. Our Mothers and our fathers. Now we both look after an ailing father and deal with our grieve for our wonderful moms. To Vera Megan Allsopp, thank you for bringing up a wonderful young man for me to marry and love. I could not have asked for a better mother in law, and to Mom I am so proud to have had you as my mother, I miss you both every day and love both of you. Now you can both finally meet.
I wonder
I sit here and think many days about many things now that mom is gone and I wonder if you believe in God and in Heaven as my mother did, do you go to heaven, do you get to be reunited with the people you lost before you. I have to ask because for me I don't know what I believe for those who do believe , do they get what they believed in and do they go to the god they prayed to?
These are all things I am wondering about, is my mother with Brad and my Uncle Ron, and my grandparents, does she get to see her best friend again?
I am not sure what I believe and I definitely do not believe in religion but I do believe in a higher power whether that is god or whatever or whoever?
I just honestly hope that Mom is sitting up and watching over me and got to be with Bradley again and is having tea and fishing with my grandfather and talking with Uncle Ron and seeing all of our old neighbors and discussing how great their kids are here on earth. I hope this is the way it is and what she is doing.
My mom as many mothers were taken far too soon and now I just mourn her death and know that she is not in pain but have a hard time believing that she is happy, I can only hope she is. Hope is a whole other thing in that respect as I had hoped for years that my mother would never get sick and suffer the way she did. I had always thought she would be here and we could talk in the phone.
In the end I am just left wondering and will never know. Miss you Mom and love you lots.
These are all things I am wondering about, is my mother with Brad and my Uncle Ron, and my grandparents, does she get to see her best friend again?
I am not sure what I believe and I definitely do not believe in religion but I do believe in a higher power whether that is god or whatever or whoever?
I just honestly hope that Mom is sitting up and watching over me and got to be with Bradley again and is having tea and fishing with my grandfather and talking with Uncle Ron and seeing all of our old neighbors and discussing how great their kids are here on earth. I hope this is the way it is and what she is doing.
My mom as many mothers were taken far too soon and now I just mourn her death and know that she is not in pain but have a hard time believing that she is happy, I can only hope she is. Hope is a whole other thing in that respect as I had hoped for years that my mother would never get sick and suffer the way she did. I had always thought she would be here and we could talk in the phone.
In the end I am just left wondering and will never know. Miss you Mom and love you lots.
Saturday, November 1, 2014
Hubby Gone Again
Well I know it has been forever but I honestly have had the worst year I could ever imagine and I will tell you a bit about that so you can fully understand what I am doing and going through in my fabulous little life.
But first things first , Matt was gone all summer from July 2nd until September 21 and then was home until October 26th and had to leave unexpectedly again. As some of you may know Matts mom was diagnosed with Cancer in early July and he had to spend most of the summer there with his folks and deal with stuff out in Vancouver. It has been a hard year for both of us but extremely hard being apart. As of last Sunday his mom was put into Hospice and is not going to be getting out and they have told us it is now just a matter of time whether that be a week or a month from now we do not know so he flew back out to Vancouver to be with her and has been spending every night at hospice with her.
I have nothing but the utmost respect for Matts mom and love her dearly, I am having an extremely hard time with this as well and it has only been 5 months to date since mom passed away from almost the same cancers. It is also extremely hard for both of us as our fathers are both not well too. My father is on dialysis three days a week and Matts dad has been recently diagnosed with Alzeimers.
I can not imagine losing Mom Allsopp this year as well but now it is become a reality and is just going to happen. I am still grieving my mom every day and do not think the pain will ever go away and am not sure I want it to, It reminds me every day how fabulous a mother I had and how much I miss her.
I will be flying out to Vancouver as well here in the next couple weeks and be there for Matt, not sure what kind of support I will be but I will try and I will be there for him and stand by him. His mother , like my mother is the world to Matt and I never thought that in the same year we would both lose our moms.
Other things that have happened this summer to us is we lost my brother inlaw Lorne who passed away in September, I feel bad for Cheryl but am still not ready to reconnect with her totally. I can not imagine losing my spouse.
A few more changes in our lives this year, our former best friends Ken and Barbie and Skunkhead, (obviously not their real names) are no longer our friends and they can't even handle to say hi. Matt and I were both fooled by their phoniness and extreme childish behavior. Oh well I am so glad they are no longer a part of our lives. I am so glad that those jealous people.
I honestly thought I would miss them after supposedly being their best friends for the last two years but I do not.
I have been keeping myself busy in the house and doing the final little things around here to complete our renovations but yet everyday I seem to add a new project to the list and keep doing them and then add another. I have given all the floors another coat of varnish, redid some of the kitchen and added a pantry , touched up all the paint in the house and finally finished the stairs. I also redid two pieces of furniture for the house and built patio table and bench.
Now the new projects for this month are to wallpaper the bathroom, paint the ceiling in the powder room silver, give the stairs another coat of varnish. I am also building some built in shelves for the sides of the fireplace I built last year.
I have also started my own design business and have to give a quote for a job here soon, I also refinish antique furniture and am currently working on three large pieces for a neighbor and good friend. Anyhow I will keep you all up to date with Matts mom and what is happening. Thanks for reading and I will try to be back sooner than I have been in the past.
But first things first , Matt was gone all summer from July 2nd until September 21 and then was home until October 26th and had to leave unexpectedly again. As some of you may know Matts mom was diagnosed with Cancer in early July and he had to spend most of the summer there with his folks and deal with stuff out in Vancouver. It has been a hard year for both of us but extremely hard being apart. As of last Sunday his mom was put into Hospice and is not going to be getting out and they have told us it is now just a matter of time whether that be a week or a month from now we do not know so he flew back out to Vancouver to be with her and has been spending every night at hospice with her.
I have nothing but the utmost respect for Matts mom and love her dearly, I am having an extremely hard time with this as well and it has only been 5 months to date since mom passed away from almost the same cancers. It is also extremely hard for both of us as our fathers are both not well too. My father is on dialysis three days a week and Matts dad has been recently diagnosed with Alzeimers.
I can not imagine losing Mom Allsopp this year as well but now it is become a reality and is just going to happen. I am still grieving my mom every day and do not think the pain will ever go away and am not sure I want it to, It reminds me every day how fabulous a mother I had and how much I miss her.
I will be flying out to Vancouver as well here in the next couple weeks and be there for Matt, not sure what kind of support I will be but I will try and I will be there for him and stand by him. His mother , like my mother is the world to Matt and I never thought that in the same year we would both lose our moms.
Other things that have happened this summer to us is we lost my brother inlaw Lorne who passed away in September, I feel bad for Cheryl but am still not ready to reconnect with her totally. I can not imagine losing my spouse.
A few more changes in our lives this year, our former best friends Ken and Barbie and Skunkhead, (obviously not their real names) are no longer our friends and they can't even handle to say hi. Matt and I were both fooled by their phoniness and extreme childish behavior. Oh well I am so glad they are no longer a part of our lives. I am so glad that those jealous people.
I honestly thought I would miss them after supposedly being their best friends for the last two years but I do not.
I have been keeping myself busy in the house and doing the final little things around here to complete our renovations but yet everyday I seem to add a new project to the list and keep doing them and then add another. I have given all the floors another coat of varnish, redid some of the kitchen and added a pantry , touched up all the paint in the house and finally finished the stairs. I also redid two pieces of furniture for the house and built patio table and bench.
Now the new projects for this month are to wallpaper the bathroom, paint the ceiling in the powder room silver, give the stairs another coat of varnish. I am also building some built in shelves for the sides of the fireplace I built last year.
I have also started my own design business and have to give a quote for a job here soon, I also refinish antique furniture and am currently working on three large pieces for a neighbor and good friend. Anyhow I will keep you all up to date with Matts mom and what is happening. Thanks for reading and I will try to be back sooner than I have been in the past.
Sunday, July 20, 2014
Hubby away
Well Matt left for his trip to Vancouver on July 2nd and has extended it to stay longer for personal reasons so I miss him lots but am so glad he is where he needs to be. I have been getting a lot accomplished since he has been gone. I have revarnished the floors on the main level, Reconfigured
the kitchen layout and repainted the master bedroom and started to repaint the bathroom as well.
Been working my ass off and trying to stay busy with Matt gone and trying to stay extra busy to keep my mind off everything.
I have also stained the stairs and repainted the back of the stairs as well and making our house look amazing again as it already does. I love our little house and everything about it. I think I will always be doing something here because it is my nature and I like to keep busy.
Seven weeks today since Mom is gone and I hate it more everyday. I miss her so much and am so sad. I just still can't believe she is gone. It feels so weird not to be able to call her or talk to her when I need to and want to. Everything I do, I wish I could tell her and send her pictures, but most of all I wish I could go and spend more time with her.
I still have not spoken to any of my family except for Dad who I have become very close to and am enjoying our new relationship. We talk on the phone at least 2 times a week now and I do so enjoy our conversations and everything.
I can not believe yet that my sister an brother would not even take a day off when they found out their Mom passed away. It just makes me sick and then to think that they could not even help me with the arrangements for mom, or with cleaning up the house and doing everything. They are disgusting in everyway and I guess I always knew that.
I don't think I will ever speak to them again and I am okay with that now. I have family and am glad for the family that I have. Anyhow I don't really have a lot to say, I am sad and just need a day of alone time.
Please take care and thanks for reading, I promise to be back and write sooner than I have been.
the kitchen layout and repainted the master bedroom and started to repaint the bathroom as well.
Been working my ass off and trying to stay busy with Matt gone and trying to stay extra busy to keep my mind off everything.
I have also stained the stairs and repainted the back of the stairs as well and making our house look amazing again as it already does. I love our little house and everything about it. I think I will always be doing something here because it is my nature and I like to keep busy.
Seven weeks today since Mom is gone and I hate it more everyday. I miss her so much and am so sad. I just still can't believe she is gone. It feels so weird not to be able to call her or talk to her when I need to and want to. Everything I do, I wish I could tell her and send her pictures, but most of all I wish I could go and spend more time with her.
I still have not spoken to any of my family except for Dad who I have become very close to and am enjoying our new relationship. We talk on the phone at least 2 times a week now and I do so enjoy our conversations and everything.
I can not believe yet that my sister an brother would not even take a day off when they found out their Mom passed away. It just makes me sick and then to think that they could not even help me with the arrangements for mom, or with cleaning up the house and doing everything. They are disgusting in everyway and I guess I always knew that.
I don't think I will ever speak to them again and I am okay with that now. I have family and am glad for the family that I have. Anyhow I don't really have a lot to say, I am sad and just need a day of alone time.
Please take care and thanks for reading, I promise to be back and write sooner than I have been.
Tuesday, July 1, 2014
Feeling Lucky
I am feeling lucky for many reasons today, and also very sad in many other ways. I feel very happy and lucky to have a great husband, who puts up with me, stands by me and supports me and has been more than fantastic this last month. I also have great friends and a few distant relatives who make life easier and just care so much, It is nice to feel loved and needed by people. My inlaws are also about the most amazing family anyone could ever ask for. Plus I have our dogs and cats who just know when you need a little extra love.
But the biggest reason I feel lucky today is memories of my mother and the great time we had together always, but my fondest memories are from the last two visits and how I got to be with her. For anyone that knows me, and knew Mom, you could see where I get my attitude, my personality and my views on life. I got it all from her and am so glad that I did.
My time out with Mom and Dad in November was amazing and I flew out for Moms birthday and took them out for Chinese food, everytime we talked on the phone after that, Mom always brought it up, that it was her best birthday and her favorite meal ever. I am just so glad that I went to see her and spent that time with her, we went shopping that week, got to go to thrift stores and her and I both loved that, just to find that little treasure and take it home for a buck or two. Helping her to get her house reading for Christmas and just the smile on her face whenever I walked through that door to see her, Makes me happy and sad all at once, knowing I will not see her smile again or hear her voice.
My second visit this year was the end of May and I am so glad I did it and know now that the universe was on my side for when I went and everything that happened while I was there. When I phoned Mom on Mothers day this year I apologized for not sending anything but told her that I was going to send something out the end of May, and I did, I sent me out to be with her and Dad. I was so happy to be there and the look on her face when I walked in and she saw me was just priceless, but Mom did not look like Mom then, she was so tiny and grey but she still had that great smile and her face just lit up as soon as I walked through the door. Those are the memories I try to hold onto and am so glad I have them because I will have something many people will never have and that is I got to be there and say good bye. I never wanted to say good bye to her and thought that I would have more time. But I am so thankful for the time we had all the things we did together throughout our lives. She was the best mother to me and I will never stop missing her and will also always love her with all my heart. It feels like I am missing a piece of my heart everyday now that she is gone and I know this does not change and went through this before with Bradley. It never does get easier, just different.
I also got so much closer to Dad over the last month , it has been amazing and am so happy for that, he has come along way and is an amazing man, was not always there for me , but somehow we are there for each other now. Dad said he loved me for the first time in ten years before I left Alberta to come back here three weeks ago and I must say those were the most amazing words I have ever heard from him in so long. I love my father and yes we have had our hurdles, challenges and disputes over the years but we have also managed to now put all that behind us and go on with a new start as Mom would have wanted.
Thank you for your support and love , not just now but always. love to all of you.
But the biggest reason I feel lucky today is memories of my mother and the great time we had together always, but my fondest memories are from the last two visits and how I got to be with her. For anyone that knows me, and knew Mom, you could see where I get my attitude, my personality and my views on life. I got it all from her and am so glad that I did.
My time out with Mom and Dad in November was amazing and I flew out for Moms birthday and took them out for Chinese food, everytime we talked on the phone after that, Mom always brought it up, that it was her best birthday and her favorite meal ever. I am just so glad that I went to see her and spent that time with her, we went shopping that week, got to go to thrift stores and her and I both loved that, just to find that little treasure and take it home for a buck or two. Helping her to get her house reading for Christmas and just the smile on her face whenever I walked through that door to see her, Makes me happy and sad all at once, knowing I will not see her smile again or hear her voice.
My second visit this year was the end of May and I am so glad I did it and know now that the universe was on my side for when I went and everything that happened while I was there. When I phoned Mom on Mothers day this year I apologized for not sending anything but told her that I was going to send something out the end of May, and I did, I sent me out to be with her and Dad. I was so happy to be there and the look on her face when I walked in and she saw me was just priceless, but Mom did not look like Mom then, she was so tiny and grey but she still had that great smile and her face just lit up as soon as I walked through the door. Those are the memories I try to hold onto and am so glad I have them because I will have something many people will never have and that is I got to be there and say good bye. I never wanted to say good bye to her and thought that I would have more time. But I am so thankful for the time we had all the things we did together throughout our lives. She was the best mother to me and I will never stop missing her and will also always love her with all my heart. It feels like I am missing a piece of my heart everyday now that she is gone and I know this does not change and went through this before with Bradley. It never does get easier, just different.
I also got so much closer to Dad over the last month , it has been amazing and am so happy for that, he has come along way and is an amazing man, was not always there for me , but somehow we are there for each other now. Dad said he loved me for the first time in ten years before I left Alberta to come back here three weeks ago and I must say those were the most amazing words I have ever heard from him in so long. I love my father and yes we have had our hurdles, challenges and disputes over the years but we have also managed to now put all that behind us and go on with a new start as Mom would have wanted.
Thank you for your support and love , not just now but always. love to all of you.
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
World Pride is among us
Well World Pride kicked off last Friday and Matt and I went to city hall for the Flag Raising and to watch performances. It was fun, but hell waiting and waiting was excrutiating on my back standing there. You know you are getting old when your back stiffens up from standing on hard pavement for over 4 hours and you are unwilling to pay 10 bucks for a beer!
We did get to see some great performers though. There were a couple different gentlemen singers and then one of my favorites Deborah Cox, love her and then we saw Melissa Ethridge. Our first free concert of Pride this year so far. Love all these free shows and events.
Trying to get out and have a little fun and relax as I know this is one thing Mom would have wanted for me to do.
Tomorrow night we are going to a white party, yes everyone is suppose to wear white, need to find Matt something to wear and hopefully the weather will change and the rain will let up for a day as you never want to get caught in a rain storm in white. Though that could be fun and give me a bit of attention, LOL.
We will probably meet up with Nancy and Wayne at some point this weekend and go out and walk Church Street to see what they have to offer this year and what is new and going on. Also was asked to walk with Olivia Chow in the parade, will have to see how we feel and how hot it is going to be for the weekend! You never know.
Right after Pride Matt leaves for Vancouver for two weeks and goes to see his folks and is going to a friend of ours wedding, glad he is going to see Mom and Dad in Vancouver. They are very important to me and to us.
This also means we will not be together for our anniversary which is alright I guess, as we will have many more to celebrate and be with each other and maybe a couple weeks alone is just what I need right now.
Anyways back to the couch and my relaxing day of watching Wimbledon Tennis. Have a great week and a wonderful day. Thanks for reading and please take care.
We did get to see some great performers though. There were a couple different gentlemen singers and then one of my favorites Deborah Cox, love her and then we saw Melissa Ethridge. Our first free concert of Pride this year so far. Love all these free shows and events.
Trying to get out and have a little fun and relax as I know this is one thing Mom would have wanted for me to do.
Tomorrow night we are going to a white party, yes everyone is suppose to wear white, need to find Matt something to wear and hopefully the weather will change and the rain will let up for a day as you never want to get caught in a rain storm in white. Though that could be fun and give me a bit of attention, LOL.
We will probably meet up with Nancy and Wayne at some point this weekend and go out and walk Church Street to see what they have to offer this year and what is new and going on. Also was asked to walk with Olivia Chow in the parade, will have to see how we feel and how hot it is going to be for the weekend! You never know.
Right after Pride Matt leaves for Vancouver for two weeks and goes to see his folks and is going to a friend of ours wedding, glad he is going to see Mom and Dad in Vancouver. They are very important to me and to us.
This also means we will not be together for our anniversary which is alright I guess, as we will have many more to celebrate and be with each other and maybe a couple weeks alone is just what I need right now.
Anyways back to the couch and my relaxing day of watching Wimbledon Tennis. Have a great week and a wonderful day. Thanks for reading and please take care.
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