Wednesday, June 25, 2014

World Pride is among us

Well World Pride kicked off last Friday and Matt and I went to city hall for the Flag Raising and to watch performances. It was fun, but hell waiting and waiting was excrutiating on my back standing there. You know you are getting old when your back stiffens up from standing on hard pavement for over 4 hours and you are unwilling to pay 10 bucks for a beer!
We did get to see some great performers though. There were a couple different gentlemen singers and then one of my favorites Deborah Cox, love her and then we saw Melissa Ethridge. Our first free concert of Pride this year so far. Love all these free shows and events.
Trying to get out and have a little fun and relax as I know this is one thing Mom would have wanted for me to do.
Tomorrow night we are going to a white party, yes everyone is suppose to wear white, need to find Matt something to wear and hopefully the weather will change and the rain will let up for a day as you never want to get caught in a rain storm in white. Though that could be fun and give me a bit of attention, LOL.
We will probably meet up with Nancy and Wayne at some point this weekend and go out and walk Church Street to see what they have to offer this year and what is new and going on. Also was asked to walk with Olivia Chow in the parade, will have to see how we feel and how hot it is going to be for the weekend! You never know.
Right after Pride Matt leaves for Vancouver for two weeks and goes to see his folks and is going to a friend of ours wedding, glad he is going to see Mom and Dad in Vancouver. They are very important to me and to us.
This also means we will not be together for our anniversary which is alright I guess, as we will have many more to celebrate and be with each other and maybe a couple weeks alone is just what I need right now.
Anyways back to the couch and my relaxing day of watching Wimbledon Tennis. Have a great week and a wonderful  day. Thanks for reading and please take care.

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Miss Mom

Everyday is so different and I miss Mom so much more everyday, every minute and every waking second, even when I am sleeping I am dreaming I am talking to her ad sharing things about my life and what is going on. It seems to get harder everyday and  not easier as I thought it might. I wonder every minute way she is gone and why it happened so quickly, there will always be things I wish I could have said, time I wish I could have spent with her and phone calls I should have made. I just plain miss her and wish she was here for just a bit longer so I could have more time.
Last night was really hard as we found out Mom's best friend of the last two years Kelly Passed away suddenly in her sleep, she was a beautiful woman and one who I had met on several occasions and helped with the process of losing Mom, which was amazing and she was so sweet and caring. I can not believe she is gone and will not be here.
I now miss her too, and am just having a really bad day and missing life and everything which use to be in it. I hate the fact that we have to suffer loss and I really hate it when people say it was gods will or plan, Fuck off! I am not dealing with gods plan or gods will and do not believe for a minute that my mother was near old enough, she was 68, Kelly was in her early 50's, gods will my ass. If there is and was a god he would not want people to even get cancer and suffer as \Mom did.
Anyways not much else to say today , except I miss Mom, and wish she was still here, so much I want to tell her right now.
Mourning!

Monday, June 16, 2014

My Mother

My mother , the most amazing woman I have ever had the pleasure to know passed away from complications with her battle with Cancer on June 1st, 2014.
Since this day I have felt a loss and a total emptiness that no one can ever replace and there is a hole in my life that will never be filled. I miss her so much and go to pick up the phone everyday to see how she is, or chat or tell her something good or what is going on in my life.
To me she was my best friend, we use to go shopping together, I told her everything about my life and what was going on and always talked to her as much as possible.
I found out that her cancer had returned with aggression on March 15th and was so worried but still never expected to lose her this quickly. I was lucky as I flew out to Alberta to surprise her on May 27th and got to spend an amazing 5 days with her and dad. If you could have seen her face when I walked through the door that night, it was priceless and a vision I will hold in my memories for the rest of my life. I also got to be there when she passed away and to be with dad for support and love. These are the best things I have done, just to have her know that I loved her and I truly did.
For those of you who knew Mom, you knew she was feisty and spoke her mind, I am so thankful to have gotten those qualities from her. She was always about her family and that meant more to her than any material item ever could. She loved people and animals equally and those were her favorite and most cherished things in life. Unfortunately her family was not under the same thought. my brother and sisters were not there the last two years and for this I will never forgive them. Ever since Brads death they have not spoken to my Mother or Father or me! they will have to live with that for the rest of their lives.
The saddest thing about all of this is, the Saturday night before Mom passed I had convinced her to phone James and Cheryl and Charlene and let them know that she was ill with cancer again, we never got the chance to phone them.
When I did phone them on the Sunday to let them know Mom had passed away, it suddenly became about them and how Mom had not spoke to them for two years, last I checked they all had phones, but the worst thing was Cheryl and James would not even take time off work to come see dad, or to help with any arrangements or anything. I can not believe I am even related to these people some days.
My greatest support was my Aunt Vera and moms dear friend Kelly. I had so much to do, which included dealing with the coroner that day and then making all arrangements for moms cremation, writing and paying for obituary, packing up the entire house and helping to put everything in storage and also helping to get dad settled with my nephew Kory, who was helpful in moving stuff out of the house, and has been looking after Dad since Moms passing and getting him back and forth to Dialysis 3 days a week.
Mom was a truly loving person and a fabulous mother, always supportive of me and helpful in every way she could. Giving me advice at all points in my life and just calling to say hi. I miss all these things and wish I could get just one more day to tell her how much she meant and do more for her.
Life will go on for me, though I am not sure how somedays, nothing has hit me yet and I am still feeling very numb and just miss her every minute.
She was beautiful and a great lady, and her life was far too short here. She will be missed a great deal and will now be with her son Bradley, her little brother Ron and her parents. I love you Mom and miss you always. Life will never be the same, and will never get better but it will be good and different. Know always you were the most influential person in my life and that I love you so much and always will.

 

Friday, May 16, 2014

May Long Weekend

Well it has been a while since I have written anything again and have not been as disciplined with this blog as I use to be. We have just been so crazy busy over the last couple years and there is so much going on in our lives and time just seems to get away.
For this week we have been putting up our new fence and getting that into place, It is so nice to have privacy and not be looking at the pile of garbage which has been in the neighbors yard for the last two years since we bought the house, also all the old pieces of tree laying around his back yard are just an eyesore. Hoping to get the last few posts in today and then build the gates and get them up as well.
Sunday we are having a BBQ and we have over 20 people coming for dinner, should be a great time and really busy, love having our little parties and making lots of yummy food for all our friends and family, by family I do mean Matts relatives that are here in Ontario and our friends who have become family.
I wish Matts parents were closer and also wish my Mom and Dad were closer so they could come and see us and we could help them more. It is so hard as your parents get older and especially if you are a fair distance from them and their lives are not as healthy as they use to be. Hate the constant stress of worrying about the four of them.
Anyhow, back to the few things we have been doing as of the last month, as I said we are putting up a new fence and then doing some curtains around the deck and getting the whole privacy thing into action, hate it when I just want to sit alone and have a coffee and a cigarette and all the neighbors can se me. Sometimes you just want to close off the world and not have to be nice to anyone at all.
You all know what I mean and am sure most of you feel the same way some days.
World Pride is coming the end of June and I am looking so forward to it and to just having fun for a week and not worrying about fuck all or anyone. It should be huge and a great time for all and will be one of the largest Prides Toronto has ever seen. Looking forward to all the people , the crowds and all the fun we are going to have this year.
Soon after Pride we have our third wedding anniversary, yes we have been married for three years this July and together for over five, been a great ride with a few ups and downs, just like everyone else I am sure.
Today we are back to work this afternoon to finish the fence and then tomorrow clean the house and get some food prepped for Sunday. Hope you all have a great long weekend and get to spend it with someone who makes you smile. Peace out and thanks for reading.

Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Catching Up

Well here goes again, trying to catch you all up on our lives here in Toronto. I have been very bad with writing lately and really need to get back into this because it is very therapeutic for me and for our lives.
So here goes on what has been going on with us for the last couple months here in Toronto. We went back to Cuba at the end of March and had another holiday, get away and escape from reality, we met our friends Michel and Richard down there again and had a great time, so much fun. We went back to Havana and got to see our favorite staff and also met some new people from here in Toronto. It was just the stress relieve I needed and also Matt needed as we have had stresses in our lives which I am going to keep private for now.
The house is done and looking great and since we got back we have regarded the entire back yard, sectioned off the garden and created a new paver patio off our back deck. We have also dead headed all the plants from last winter which was just too long and had not too much for warm weather here as of yet., the flower beds have all been weeded, raked and cleaned for spring.
Also in the last couple months we got new living room furniture in a really nice white color, given to us from a friend. Much appreciated and it looks great. Also got a new antique dining room table which is gorgeous and I just have to do a bit of refinishing work on it. Next big thing that we have to do is put up our fence and create some privacy for us and that way we can sit in the back yard without having to be disturbed if we please. A bit of private time is always nice when you live in a city where houses are so close to each other.
Started many seeds already such as Tomato and certain flowers and herbs so we will have a few things to enjoy by early summer. I am so excited for gardening season to be among us again. I love getting it done and working out there as I find it so relaxing and fabulous and very rewarding.
Been very stressed about my parents and them being so far out of town and with the long winter and harsh weather Alberta had this year , it is even more troublesome to me and I am sure to them as well.
With Dad having to go into town three days a week for dialysis and Mom having to try and drive him, it is stressful as I worry about them a lot and am not there to help them as much as I would like to be. It is always hard when your parents get older and they need you more. We are going through this with both Matt and my parents at this time.
Last weekend we went to a funeral for a friends brother, I know what it is like to lose a brother who you loved so much and was happy that we could be there to support her as many of my friends were there when we lost Bradley, can't believe it has been almost two years. Still miss him every day of my life.
I knew getting older was never going to be easy and I knew that I would experience loss in my life but was not and am not prepared fro any more at this time or in the near future. I really hate death and am thankful for a supportive husband and great friends, and a loving Mom and Dad. Too bad about the rest of my family and how big of losers they all are, yes I am talking siblings ad inlaws and nephews and nieces. No worries I have a better family now and it is people who have chosen to have me in their lives as well as me having them in ours. You know who you are.
So in closing I will really try and get on here more and do my due diligence in keeping this up, not just for you but for me as well. Take care and may spring bring joy and happiness to all my friends.

Friday, February 28, 2014

A little stressed

Well anyone who knows me knows this is truly an understatement and I am always more than a little stressed and always worry about someone, something and put all others before myself always. I thrive on stress most days and this is how I have been successful in the hospitality industry. Though some stresses I can seriously do with out as we all can, these stresses are the lost of a loved one, health issues for you or someone close to you. These two seem to be my largest stresses of the last couple years and I just hate it.
I am now stressed over a great loved one and am so afraid of losing them, and am not sure I will ever be ready to do so. I am talking of course of my parents as they are a part of whatever small and fabulous little bit of family I have left in my life. The family I choose to have in my life, Matt, my parents, and his parents, and a few cousins and some very dear friends. I like this new family concept and have adapted very well to it.
As your parents get older it gets harder and we are at the age now where we are losing parents and friends parents so often, it is a never ending circle and I hate it. I am not happy that over the last year I did not realize how important your parents are to you and this shall be the one regret I have for the rest of my life, though we all have regret and we live with it.
I love my parents unconditionally and always will, even if I go for a period of time when I do not see them, I miss them and talk to them as often as possible.

As many of you know my mother went through and is now in remission from cancer and has been free and clear of all cancer now for 3 years, thankfully and fingers crossed she will stay this way. Mom and I are and have always been very close and I can not imagine my life without her in it. She is and will always be my best friend no matter what happens or what we go through or how long we go without seeing each other. I love my mommy.
My father and I, although we have had a tough time of it at some points in my life, and he did not deal too well with the whole me being gay for the first few years, we have grown closer and are getting along quite well and it is nice to have them both in my life at this time. My father has been going through kidney dialysis now for two years and we almost lost him on New Years of 2012 which I am so thankful that we didn't. I can not imagine life without both my parents for me and also for them. The have been married for 52 years this year and not many people can say that!

Anyhow just thought I should say I love my mom and dad and to all those who have lost your parents, I feel for you and can not imagine what it is like not to be able to call and talk to them when you want to.

Seriously

This winter has been hell and I mean this in every way, the never ending snow and cold and ice, has been trying on my body and mind and I am just seriously tired of this shit.
It needs to end and it needed to ended a week ago. We are now at the last day of February and Toronto is under an extreme cold alert, WTF?
It is just hard to get out of bed and want to do anything this year and I have really been suffering for the first time in my life of depression due to this damn weather and long and overdrawn winter. With this winter we had ice storms, snow storms, extreme cold weather and power outages, it has sucked in every way possible and really put me in a sour mood.
I can honestly say I am not a happy camper and can not wait for spring, it has even been too cold to go downtown for the most part. We have not even seen Wayne since we got back from Cuba, weird! The cold and snow have kept all in doors and barely even see the neighbors or anyone out at all. Really sucks.
My body is just no longer suited for these long winters and horribly cold days, yes as a skinny white boy I do not do well in the cold at all, you may consider this whining, I will call it venting for the time being.
All I can say is bring on spring so I can get to work on our yard and get the garden turned and get shit done. been drawing up plans for the back flower beds and things that we can do out front and make things beautiful, we have also discussed putting up our fence and which type we are looking at. Will be so nice to have privacy in our back yard and a gate across the front to stop unwanted visitors. yes I said it, sometimes we just want to sit and relax in our yard by ourselves without someone walking down the drive to bug for something or another.
On the bright side of this winter the main floor is finally complete and done, all that is left in the house is to fix up the paint on the ceiling upstairs and stain and varnish the stairs, I can't wait to get all this done and then we can just enjoy it for a while and love what we have completed and done on our own. We now have a beautiful home and a great life in our little house.
Things have come together quite nice and I have to say we did an amazing fucking job here and are very proud of ourselves, yes that was a pat on the back, because sometimes you just have to pat yourself on the back and say a job well done.
Time to get sett for party season, and by this I mean almost 2 years in our house and party coming up soon, Need to have that long overdue housewarming party that we have never had. Ya bitches we are going to get down and have some fun this spring, summer and fall, hope you all are as well.
Anyways back to the cold and out for a smoke now. Got to love standing outside in minus 25 weather and smoking a great Cuban cigarette.
Have a great weekend and here is hoping that March will  come in like a Lion and go out like a Lamb and do it quietly and quickly, the sooner we get some plus temperatures the happier we will all be.