It gets harder every day to realize that I will no longer be here with the man who I believe I will always love. Hard to believe a year ago we were actually planning and talking about marriage and being with each other for ever. I can't believe it myself most days and find it even harder to believe when someone asks me about it. I had dreams and a great life with Matthew and am so sorry that life has pulled us in different directions and I think of all these things while I am alone in the park with the girls and the kids. All 4 of them come to the park with me every morning and I will miss those times as the cats will be staying with Matt and the dogs are coming with me back to Toronto.
So this morning I am at the park and Chris came by to talk, which was shocking at least and I was very emotional as I often am. Chris invited me to dinner at his house and I told him I would have to decline because of what Nadja had said to Matt about me taking him for more than half and how she and Chris were so worried about him. Chris seemed genuinely shocked when I told him what Nadja said and I am sorry for that but I calmly and almost tearfully said that I could not spend time with him because I did no longer want to see Nadja. I actually feel bad for Chris, he can be a truly sweet man and deserves so much better in life and in love.
As for me , anyone who knows me knows I wear my heart on my sleeve and that is the way I am, I am very emotional and also very outspoken and can be very very explosive when provoked. But if you love me and you are true to your word and don't lie to me, I will stand by you forever and always stand up for you as well. Only 9 days left here and each one gets sadder for both Matt and I and I just want to enjoy those days and the time with have left together, because if there is one thing I have learned in 40 years cherish who you have in your life while you have them and make all the good moments great and try to put the bad ones behind you. Also if you feel someone in your life is not good for you, just get rid of them, this applies to friends and family alike. And the most important thing I have learned is sometimes being alone hurts but not as much as others can hurt you so in the end it will be alright.
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