My Past Loves and Just plain Exes

Well the first man I ever loved was when I was 18 years old and I lived in Banff and was a head housekeeper in a hotel there for a couple of years. My one employee and then roommate was named Scott and he and I did everything together, we had an amazing friendship and therefor never loving a man before I totally was infatuated with him in every way. Not the healthiest relationship I was ever in, but what we had was great non the less because I knew he would always have my back and be there for me even if he never loved me back.
Now the first man I ever loved is not the first man I was ever with as love really has nothing to do with that does it, the first man I was ever with was a married man and I was 16 years old and saw him off and on until I was 25 years old and never told anyone about him at all. He was great to me and treated me well and could not be gay but I feel deep in my heart that he did care for me. We had great times and were there for each other when we needed to be and when it was possible and it was best for me at this time as well because I did not come out to anyone until I was 26 years old.
The second man I ever loved was also named Scott and I met him when I lived in Fort Nelson BC and I was just 20 years old at the time. He was wonderful and so great to me that I did everything to try to be with him, another 2 year infatuation that never went anywhere. He was a bouncer in the strip club I managed, yes a straight strip club with women taking off their clothes. I will always remember him, he protected me and use to tell me how important and wonderful I was to him. I lost Scott 2 years after I met him , one Sunday Night in the bar. He was off work and involved in some sort of drug deal and it went bad, I was working the bar and remember it all so vividly it still scares me. Scott pulled out a gun , shot another guy and then took his own life and shot himself. One of the worst nights of my life. I lost my best friend and my protector. My mom flew to Fort Nelson to be with me during this hard time. I miss both my Scotts although they never loved me the way I dreamed, they were both very wonderful and important men in my life.
I will share more of the men in my life over the next few days. We all have to have our non compatibles before we meet the one.